Birthday Ramblings

Birthday ramblings & reflections - aging, goals, food, growth, kindness, illness, and turning 45.  June 2018

Please note (updated early 2019): This is the original post. During my tonsil surgery and throat biopsy in June 2018 the ENT doctors also found a cyst (incidental finding) on my lung in a CT scan. I found a lung doctor and in fall of 2018 and with a bunch of tests, he concluded that I did not have asthma but that I had a large (1 ½ inches) benign cyst on my right lung surrounded by scar tissue. That has been the source of my problems and has just mimicked asthma. I was so relieved to have accurate news.

This is a long winded rant from the horizontal position of a bed while being sick.  It ebbs and flows smooth sometimes & is real rocky other times. And it will probably be edited and added to as time allows.

I have asthma and am prone to catching something small and it turning into a terrible respiratory infection fast.  It's ugly. I've spent a lot of years angry and feeling week, vulnerable, and medically misunderstood. #thebeatdown

People don't generally understand that when I get sick, it is more serious than when, say, my husband gets the same sickness (we are both sick right now, but he’s uber functioning).  It's hard to understand because I am very healthy otherwise. I don't generally need inhalers and I'm not bothered with exercise or pushing my health limits for the most part, plus I’m a bad motherfucker in general so people think I’m healthy as fuck, and I am healthy as fuck until I am not.  And then I am sick as fuck.

Triggers include drastic changes in temperature, allergies (mostly spring), strong smells (perfumes, colognes), dryness in the air (even from an indoor gas fireplace), and smoke.  I don't get to hang out at your smelly house (of course you don’t think incense or potpourri are smelly) or drink cocktails at your yard fire pits without repercussions.  I have tried to hang but have finally learned that I need to say something or not put myself in the situation. Some people think I'm anti-social but I just can’t breathe.  And travel can be a bitch too. Flights are difficult because of germs and bedsheets washed or dried with any fragrance can ruin my health and vacation.

As it turns out, I am much more high maintenance than I ever thought.  I won’t join someone for a walk during spring because of the possibility of getting an infection or because I’m trying to save up my outside time for someone else’s special occasion that I want to go to.  I don’t even care about spring anymore. Where most people see birth, growth, and life - I see trouble breathing and hunker down inside. And honestly, I don’t even miss spring anymore. You can find me at home exercising, reading, cooking, and being cool.  And although, I love to get out, want to get out, and look forward to getting out and being more social, it is almost like I was born to handle solitary confinement.

And people say “you should move to …*insert city/state*  where the air is *insert what they think based on whatever*”, or “you never used to get sick in Nashville or Colorado” (yes, I did - a lot actually)”  I know everyone is just trying to help. And they feel pity for me because they think I'm sick all the time (and I kinda am...), but, pity sucks, and you don’t want anyone to know that you’re sick again so you go off the grid.  At the same time, pity is useful to get someone to try and understand you and not invite you over and light smelly candles.

Right before I turned 42, I had a serious respiratory infection and asthma flare up because our downstairs neighbor stained his wood floors.  I like to say flare up because attack sounds short lived - for me it's a dull, burning & constant pain in my heart & lungs that takes a shit ton of time to fully recover from (weeks to months sometimes).  It’s a silence & cramp in my chest and a rattle in my heart. It’s important to note that I am not contagious at this point. Asthma is not contagious and I can still cook professionally, it’s just more exhausting and difficult.   

Anyway, it felt like I could see my future death with that illness and it scared & motivated the fuck out of me.   When I healed from that, I vowed to become mentally and physically stronger by the time I was 45. #canttouchthis

This was a THREE year goal.  Not a whimsy wish and I knew it would take a lot of time because I wanted 1) for it to be sustainable 2)  to have a balanced life 3) for it to be fun 4) to allot time for recovery from a sore body or any minor injuries along the way that would make me have to rest (and that did happen more than once) and 5) I knew that I would be getting sick potentially 1-3 months out of the year and would have to spend that time recovering and implementing strategies that I'd learned from this place of strength that I had been working towards. #longtermgoals #workforit

On the exercise part of it, I focused the first year on squats and lunges.  Mostly leg work which was completely new to me. I’ve been in decent shape my whole life and almost always did a little abs and stretches.  Strengthening my legs and butt was eye opening. I was sore the whole year.

Everything about cooking for a living became much easier and I didn’t realize how much I bended, lunged, and squatted in everyday life.  I loved strengthening my legs and hired Coach Jay with Locomotion Fitness (Hi Jay!) for some personal sessions to get me on track, and then I ran with it on my own.  The gym doesn’t motivate me. I am incredibly motivated by my own schedule. This is the year that I realized that working legs was also working abs as they were sore quite a bit as well due to having to stabilize your core.

The next year I worked on arms and added a little cardio (jumping jacks, etc.  I also was taking tap classes (thanks Jenny at DanceLab!) so I tried to get faster with redundant tapping moves).  The jumping jacks also worked wonders because you gotta do kegels at the same time. And I coughed so hard during that motivating illness that I peed my pants.  I vowed that I would strengthen my yoni too so I could minimize and/or make that non existent until my 80’s #fingerscrossed

Year three was planks, balance, integration of everything, and adding yoga.  This is the year (well the first 6 months anyway) that I saw the most change in my body.  I had to and still have to work through an old neck and rotator cuff injury. I hired the strong and kind yoga teacher & Ayurvedic health coach Caryn O'Hara (Hi Caryn!) for personal yoga and then added a pass at a studio where she teaches.  This is when I got sick and I’m still working through making yoga a part of the routine.

The food part…..

I'm a professional personal chef.  I go into people's homes and cook for them.  Generally people hire me to help them eat better, whether that's organic, local, dietary restrictions, or weight & lifestyle goals.  I eat well and have gone on many cleanses and food experiments and for the most part, my diet has worked for me. I eat everything and my gut is happy.  

With this goal of getting stronger at 42, I also wanted to do it without changing any food habits because of a fairly balanced diet.  I love rice and pasta and was not going to give it up but could definitely wrap my head around eating less of it. Because of my profession, I’m also keenly aware of current trends of food fixation and over analyzation and didn’t want to dive into that dismal realm.  I think society becomes obsessed with what they are supposed to do instead of gauging how they feel when & after they eat. I try to impart this on all my clients while recognizing their food allergies, needs, concerns, goals, and desires.

Fast forward to November 2017.  I got sick and decided it was time to re-evaluate diet.  I had some blood tests done that said I was slightly malnourished, a real slap in the face to a personal chef that eats healthy and cooks professionally for people trying to clean up their diet.  Some of the numbers related to kidneys and liver and my first and second thoughts were that I have an absorption issue and I need to stop drinking every night.

Toby (my man) and I drank 6-7 days a week, 2 drinks per day and the occasional three on the weekends/special events.  I decided I was done drinking. I had a benign mass on my tonsil and it was time to pull out all the stops. I went two months without a drink (during the holidays even!!) and Toby joined me 4 weeks in.  We have since decided that drinking 2-3 days per week is fine. Now we drink iced kombucha or sparkling water and don't even know the difference for the most part. Drinking was just a ritual to wind down together after work, so we just created a new habit to break it.  But that’s another story too.

I have not liked most fruit for all my life.  The mass on my tonsil was screaming at my intuition to eat some fruit (instead of nuts, beef jerky, etc when I got home from a cook day).  I also do not believe in supplements or vitamins (*gasp*) unless something is wrong with your health/diet and only as a temporary transition fix - our bodies were meant to eat food, in my opinion and not powder processed food broken down to into food fixated & analyzed parts and nutrients.  

My throat began craving smoothies, but I also didn’t like milk and didn’t believe in using overly processed non-dairy alternatives.  Problem solved. Ice w/ nut butter does the trick and I don’t have to buy a bunch of watered down almond milk shipped from California - the bees thank me as well (watch the documentary:  Rotten on Netflix). Body win, environmental win, throat win.

I have also begun seeing the act of eating in a different light.  My throat/tonsil was telling me (in the form of a benign mass) to slow down.  When I'm at home, I eat normal speed. When I'm cooking professionally, I will shove anything in my mouth hot and fast to test for flavor & salt (never double dippin’!).  It's business and not pleasure in that environment and I have a purpose. Also on cook days, I come home exhausted and will shove anything in my mouth, that could mean 2 cups of peanuts if that's the first thing I see and although peanuts are healthy, it's not my goal to be so exhausted to eat like that.

Illness made me realize that I have to slow down for the sake of my throat, lungs, and overall health. I began to carry fruit in the car and reveled in God’s perfect edible package.  Now, I’m thinking of how to ferment banana peels and weird shit like that. Environmental & throat win again. As a side note, my blood numbers improved and I was no longer classified slightly malnourished.

Being sick gives you time to analyze.  I am pondering the part of my professional life as a personal chef ( I also do consulting and run this food blog).  Do I make a difference in my clients lives in meaningful ways other than just providing the food they want? Am I a good resource and role model for pushing them to eat in a more environmentally friendly way?  What lines can I cross to get them to recycle correctly, consume less, & be more food conscious? How do I get them to eat slower, sit down, & appreciate more?

Have I cooked them their version of love, my version of love, or society’s version of love?  What is the acceptable balance between my and their version with regards to cooking & eating?  I ask these questions to myself to improve & grow professionally and try to connect, influence, and by influenced by the people eating my food (or cooking my recipes on the blog although that’s a looser distinction). I am there to make lives easier, better, and more tasty.  Am I doing this?  But that is a different story.

Did I mention my amazing clients?  I consider them some weird combo of friends & family while I work for/with them.  They have invited me into their homes and I get to see and be a part of some of their most personal experiences, and I feel lucky.  They are all incredible, diverse, loving, complex people and they all have understood and offered help & advice this year as I navigated cancelling and rescheduling with them.    On a side note, I am getting out of bed on the 7th day in it to meet a client to consult with her about her kitchen remodel and provide recommendations for her new kitchen.  I love the diversity in my job and life is good.

Did I mention my awesome blog readers?  I have ~ 10,000 page views a month.  I don't hear from y'all enough, but I see y'all pokin' through the recipes and I appreciate it. I apologize in advance for the shitty way I had to take advertisers on my page to make a dime.  This blog is a full time job and I need to get reimbursed for the time I put in. However - all the affiliate links and shop page are truly stuff I recommend, have, or have used and loved.

In the meantime and as a side note, I have also learned that I can like/ dislike a cause or a political representative and still love, respect, and admire a person/friend/client that likes that cause/ or political representative.   Hanging out with different people has opened my heart, strengthen or weaken my argument, and changed my mind or strategies in fighting for a cause. Nearly all my clients lean a different way politically from me. I’ve just tried to understand someone else’s point of view. And I also realize that I, like most of America, don’t know shit about most of the issues.  I follow my heart and search for knowledge, understanding, action, love, & compassion in politics. I hope to get better and better at this. #listen #loveyourneighbor #yieldsometimes #vote

Circling back….  I turn 45 this week.  This year I got sick 3 different times: 1) a mass on my tonsil that had to be removed 2) an upper respiratory infection 3) strep.  All three illnesses led to asthma flare ups and I was sick (give or take a couple weeks in between each illness) from the end up November to the end of May with steroids & antibiotics at every turn.  Even though I was sick more than in any other year - I remained in movement through most of it, even if just a little, and bounced back just a wee bit faster. And when I felt good during the healthier times then I moved as much as I could and didn't look back or think ahead.  #moveitorloseit

With this current/last sickness, I originally hated to think of me ending my three year goal recovering from strep & asthma.  We planned surfing lessons 3 months ago for my 45th and they had to be postponed because I won't be ready. But as I lay here typing this, I think it's the perfect & most appropriate end to my goal.  It's a little twisted to say but I rocked sickness this year! Fuck you sickness. I don't mind going into 45 recovering. It’s not only humbling but a great reminder that I have come a far way from where I was three years ago.  Now my body isn’t sore after 7-10 days in bed and coughing like a volcano is erupting internally while my throat is on fire.

I have smiled and known my body, if not my lungs, can take a lashing and at least my body is not sore so I can focus on rest, breathe, and healing.  I'll take that surf lesson when my body is ready. And look at all the great things that come from being bedridden! Y’all got to read a version of my mind & thoughts this week instead of *just* seeing a picture of me trying to learn how to surf 🙂  #theworldismyoyster

6 months of on & off illness and having a chronic disease like asthma has given me perspective, empathy, gratefulness, patience, and endurance.  My goal at 42 was to MOVE & LIVE while the getting was good. I knew that my physical body had to get stronger for living and for recovering from & getting through sickness.  I knew that my head had to be in a different level to push through the mindfuck of illness. Toby and I called this goal setting and training “harder to kill”.

Counting blessings.  Count ‘em. We all have something to be grateful for.  I remember a time not that long ago when we didn’t have the money to pay medical bills and I didn’t have the luxury of calling in sick.  Finding grace and being grateful can be hard but not that hard at the same time. There is always something beautiful in life. I am finding it and acknowledging it daily.

On the eve of my 45th birthday, and after spending ½ of the year in some sort of sickness, I feel like a strong motherfucker.  Not invincible in any way but definitely a fighter with a much better sense of humor & attitude about life. I'm proud of my three year goal and am ready to make more goals.  I also believe that health is influenced heavily by flow and movement. It's not static. I am not resigned to say that this is who I am forever with asthma & respiratory infections.  I am positive, have stayed positive, and am inspired to try ways to break illness patterns, and I will die trying. #goalmet

For my birthday, I wish for my dear friends, clients, blog readers, and family to set realistic, attainable, and long term goals when their minds & hearts desire to change and also to be positive and kind to themselves in trying to reach those goals, and lastly to be kind to others.

#hardertokill #changeisconstant #beinspired